Absolute pigshit. god fucking fuck
11/7/20 This is my first ever blog entry for the day November seventh, 2020. It is a Friday today and i go to school five days a week unlike a lot of other schools due to covid. School wasn't incredibly interesting, but I did do some stuff afterwards, like make this website. I found out that I may have mild scoliosis, I do not yet know what kind, and my friend EmmaGrace helped me to build this site by telling me about NeoCities and sending me some resources! I had two energy drinks, a Monster and a Rockstar, so I feel kind of elated rn. But i have a lot of energy to work on this site tonight and I hope I stick to updating it regularly.
11/8/20 Today was pretty fun. I didn't do a ton during the daytime, but later at night I got to hang out with some friends and we spraypainted and did all that cool shit. I had a listening party of my friends' new album MFMT which is linked above me. After that we started talking about a new Christmas album, which I will link when it releases. As of right now, were just kinda chillin and I fuck with it hard.
11/9/20 Today was really boring. I went to school, did homework. I also feel bad because I wasnt able to update my comic yesterday. I didn't talk to a lot of my friends today, I miss the weekend.
11/10/20 Ok i forgot to blog yesterday but i technically didnt? idk, but either way I didn't even do anything yesterday. But today I told off some girl I was friends with about what she needs to do to improve her life and she just shut down. She really REALLY can't handle any negativity directed towards her, even though she tries to come off ass edgy, badass, and not giving a shit. She's one of those incredibly fake and fickle alternative girls, going so far as to say shes "not alt" to me when i confronted her about it, despite days prior her making a tiktok barrading a "poser" (didn't like the same music as her) for not being "really alt" (she likes incredibly mainstream bands, which is fine in itself, but dont think that youre alternative for liking them.) Honestly, shes not going to get better, she doesn't listen to me and just says "I hate you". She claims that her video of her resetting that self harm app thing was "venting" but we all know why ANY girl would upload a video like that onto the internet.
11/11/20 Happy veteran's day everybody! sorry my last blog got kind of angry, but its true everything i said. Anyways, it's only the beginning of the day and I am currently in marketing. Ugh we should really just get class off on veteran's day, I think that we should. It's not like we can have an assembly unless its over zoom.
11/13/20 Oops, sorry i didnt update on the twelth, but i think i was pretty productive yesterday and today. I uploaded two songs, one of them being a cover of GEZEBELLE GABURGABLY's song Pagan, and another was a song i wrote called The Liberal fell in Love With the Nazi (Didn't go well) and yes thats the full title lol. (BTW this is an edit from 04/19/21, but im not liberal, im left wing.) If you did some digging you probably would know what that song is about. Thats pretty much it for today, I mean maybe something cool could happen within the next two hours, but thats unlikely.
11/14/20 I havent been uploading my comic lately, im sorry. Today sucked and i want to die.
12/03/20 Oh my god i like, completely forgot about this site. But for starters, let me explain why i seemed to be in the shit on my last upload. Remember Emmagrace? the girl who told me about neocities in the first place? Well I have a massive thing for her, been like that for a while. But she didn't know, she thought that I was just fucking around because a previous guy did that to her. But since she found out that i was genuine, she's started talking to me way more, and i think she might like me back, but just maybe anyways. I hope she does. But its kind of been a wacky few weeks other than the Emmagrace stuff. Because i really thought i had no chance with Emmagrace, I started dating this scene girl. It didn't take long for me to figure out that she was manipulative, and didn't care about me the way i thought she did. It sucks because emmagrace was kind of upset that i told her that i liked her, even when i had a girlfriend. But i broke up with that scene girl, and all is well now.But i have even more good news, I wrote and published a short album, based off of the colors of the rainbow. It's called "The Rainbow Album about Pedophiles and Suicide" and you should go listen, (my soundcloud is linked above)
12/03/20 The last three days have been pretty good, my mom adopted a dog, we named it Ringo. Hes a skinny boy, he was from Turkey where he was abused and malnourished, but hes safe now. I've voice called with Emmagrace for the first time on Friday, and she read the last blog about her it was embarrasing, but she thought it was cute. She makes me really happy. I also called her again today, not as long though, this time it was just two hours instead of three, it was still fun though, I like talking to her. My old dog Izzy has been kind of jealous of Ringo, hes not getting more attention or anything, she just doesnt like to share anything at all, shes a brat. But it was a pretty good couple of days. I also have this pretty new habit of just twitching whenever i get nervous, so i twitch a lot on call with Emmagrace.
12/12/20 I havent updated this blog in a little over a week, i guess i should have though. It was a pretty shitty week, me and Emmagrace had a falling out, but we started talking more today which gave me more motivation to write in this blog. This week of school went by damn quickly, but one kind of odd thing happened, though its not super huge. Some kid who frankly im starting to dispise asked me if i was gay, and this kid is in a near literal sense obsessed with me, so i can only assume why hed want to know. (I'm not gay), but on that, ive been kind of disgusted by the prospect of sexuality in general recently, i havent masturbated in weeks which im proud of. My friends, especially Jenny and Leo have been kind of helping me through this week, because the whole falling out with Emmagrace fucked me up a lot, I dont want to get into it too much. I have to go to my dads house this weekend, which is kind of cool but also kind of sucks, its kind of cool because i think my dad will let me do shit, and i havent been there for a while, but it also kind of sucks, because i wouldnt be able to hang out with any of my friends over the weekend.
12/15/20 I feel like i should explain what happened with Emmagrace, just so there are no loose threads. Well it was a few things actually that happened. We had begun to engage in one another one night, nothing insane, but i was genuinely happy for that brief period of time. The next morning her accounts on twitter were both suspended, but my paranoia got the better of me and i thought that she had blocked me. I had a really bad panic attack and cried a lot that morning, nobody was being of any help really. I was in the shower that morning aswell and just had one thought: "What if i did?" so i just did it, i got a mouth full of water and inhaled as deeply as i could force myself to, i choked, i gagged, but i vommited up all of the water, i survived obviously. I made a joke about it on Twitter, because theres no point being a bitch about trying to kill yourself, and i guess Emmagrace saw it, and she messaged me on Discord, well I messaged her first, but the conversation worked its way into my attempted suicide. She was upset, not about the fact that i actually did try to kill myself, but she was mad because she didn't want to feel bad about it, or anything. It ALSO turns out that she was leading me on, flirting with me, telling me i was different and special, even when she never actually liked me, she just COULDN'T get over our "politics" (I don't hate minorities). So theres yet another girl who only liked me for my body and a quick fun time. But I did make a new friend, shes really sweet and her name is Kork. I feel like i can trust her more, shes a little mean and shes also mentally ill, so i know that wont divide us, plus shes also left wing so theres no issue with politics. She seems genuine, i hope we stay friends, or if anything more happens, i hope that would last.
12/16/20 So today was kinda poopy, just for one reason. I found out Korks age and we decided that the age gap was too large. We're still friends, we still talk about chris chan, and things arent akward at all, we just dont flirt anymore, which i guess im ok with. I really dont like edating, ill only ever do it if theres some chance that id be able to meet them relatively soon anyways. I certainly learned my lesson from Emmagrace lol. Nothing really interesting happened today other than that, Im going to get my mullet on Friday, so thatll be a new look. Ill put a pic when i get it.
12/22/20 I feel so awful idk why. Im starting to not like my mullet that much, makes me look too masculine and ive been regressing mentally. I cant stop thinking about emmagrace and i want to kill myself. I was on call with my good friend page and that made me feel happier because hes a good friend and we talked for a while. I spend most of my nights without sleep as of recent, I want to hug somebody.
01/04/21 Happy new year. I kind of forget what happened since last i wrote in here, but i started talking to emmagrace again. Ill never fucking learn.
01/13/21 Good news everyone, i stopped talking to Emmagrace, thats my belated new years resolution (along with having sex with a clown). I feel pretty happy, and im making all sorts of plans for the summer, even though its so far away. It took me till now to realize how fucking bad she was for my mental health, and im such a dick for even continuing to talk to her, even though she hates all my friends cuz theyre minorities. I love those guys! they put up with all my bullshit LOL. Ive had some pretty good self esteem, talking to a lot of girls, as friends i mean. I went to my dads house over the weekend, i played guitar for my trailer trash uncle at his bonfire LOL. theyre good people, i love them. Sitting in English rn. really nothing better to do than type here. I hope i get to see my good friend micaela during the weekend, i miss hanging out with her. ive thought less about suicide, but my physical health has not been so great. im underweight, and i cant control my ticks anymore at all. My grades are in the shitter, but idrc. I want to be a trucker anyways. live a simple life, maybe in my hometown. I was just a paragraph in Emmagraces life. She was a chapter in mine. weird to think about
01/26/21 Im shit at regularly updating, but ive started talking to Emmagrace again, it feels nice. I know im a weakling for not just blocking her, but its really hard. besides part of me still does like her the way i used to, and i dont like blocking people who ive become that close with, in case something important comes up, but either way, for now at least, id say shes here to stay. Im really scared to tell my friends, i had told them i blocked her before, which was technically true, but i just ghosted her and didnt want to talk to her again. Well ive fallen back into that trap, i dont think ill ever get over her... not for a loooong loooong time. I bought a D.R.I. patch in the mail and it finally came. I dont have an iron though, so ill take it to my dads because he has one there. But god dammit, theres something wrong with me.
01/28/21 Im feeling really weird, i didnt eat at all yesterday, and nothing yet today. its still the morning though, i have time. I cant get Emmagrace out of my head again. I always think of her. Ive liked her for about mabe 4 and a half months by now, maybe five... but thats probably pushing it. I wonder whats wrong with me. I cant imagine any other girl who ive ever felt something like this for. Its always her. Ill never get over her at this rate. Its the most painful feeling in the world, feeling this way for a girl who will NEVER no matter what ever feel the same. This is why im really excited for the summer partially, i think that getting out more will get her out of my fucking head. fuck man. I love typing in this blog, it has just the right amount of privacy, as people who would actually affect me cannot find this, unless i send it to them, like THAT will ever happen. Ive given up on doing cool shit until the summer rolls around, MAYYYBE spring break ill go out, but thats pushing it, and either way its too far away to tell for now. Man i miss the summer. I miss having no real problem in my head, before i ever met emmagrace. sounds weird saying i wish i never met the girl of my dreams, but i think it makes sense in this context. I love GEZEBELLE GABURGABLY's music so much. Listening to it wihle i type in this. also sorry for shit grammar and capitalization, i couldnt be damned to capitalize my "i's". Its been weird for me ig. I hate the reason why Emmagrace started talking to me again, but i think that if i said it on this technically public site, it would violate her privacy. It is super personal to her and me, but if it was just me i wouldnt mind sharing it. im an open book. which is where i think i fucked up so badly. I miss that feeling of complete utter freedom. I didn't have any girl stuck in my head 24/7. I wasn't worried about passing school or anything. I just went out and lived, even if i was incredibly lonely. I think im lonelier now, thinking of what Emmagrace and me could have had, if i wasnt such a fucking freak. I still blame myself to this day. Theres a rip on my pants, i dont even know what its from. I love these pants, theyre the ones i got arrested in. That was a fun time of my life, also. I wasn't concerned with Emmagrace. Im sorry Emmagrace, if youre reading this i mean, youre perfect i mean that. I dont deserve you, i never will.
02/02/21 Hey everyone. I feel pretty okay today, i shoveled for my neighbor and he gave me some money. I for some reason want to explain what i feel like i want in a relationship, and because its my blog ill do that LOL. I feel like a relationship between two people should be mutual. I think the best kind of relationship is where sure, they can both survive on their own, but they can truly begin to thrive when together. Two people who can work together and help eachother. Thats pretty much it. thats all i want anyways.
02/03/21 Woah i kinda forgot that i wrote in here yesterday, it feels like a lot longer ago. Nothing is really new with Emmagrace tbh. Its just been the same usual thing, im kinda happy. I cant wait for the summer to start, i feel like i talk about that a lot. Cant wait for all that to begin.
02/05/21 I think i might see Emmagrace sometime this summer, she said shed want to go to one of my shows. I dunno if id want her to go, sure i really like her, but im scared and i dont know why. I have so many pent up anxieties surrounding her, i always have these dreams where shes yelling at me or something like that. I dont think its because of her, shes an incredible person. I think that its because im worried that im not good enough, which im not obviously
02/11/21 Valentine's day is upon us. I, of course am going to spend it alone. Things are still going well enough with Emmagrace. Shes probably gonna spend her Valentines with a guy though, not me obviously. My doggy Izzy got really sick one time, we took her to the vet, she possible had a stroke. I hope she'll be okay. I really cant comprehend her being dead. Ive had her near all my life so i dont know how id take it if she passed. Im feeling really slow lately. I really dont know what to do anymore. Im going to fucking die if Emmagrace finds this website again, she forgot the url which is good. I dont even know why i still like Emmagrace. Ive never felt any sexual attraction to her, though thats rare in general for me. I just remember seeing her for the first time and hearing her voice i just was interested, and talking to her made me really invested. An ex of mine, a couple days ago broke down at me and told me that she still liked me and deserved to be with me. It was the scene girl i talked about before. I feel really bad for her, she is sweet. but i just feel really bad because im just not interested in her romantically. I feel bad saying that. She got really mad when she found out that i still liked Emmagrace after all this time, she wished she was emmagrace. I feel awful jesus. Emmagrace is making me feel a little more optomistic though, im grateful to have her in my life, even though she doesnt like me really that much anymore.
02/19/21 Its been a fucking hellish week, i still feel okay though. I had my phone taken away so i wasnt able to talk to emmagrace at all, up untill this night anyways. Im glad that shes not mad at me, but she seemed upset before i explained what happened, so that means she cares at least a little.
03/04/21 I dunno how to feel anymore. I havent really been feeling any sort of emotion recently, i just want Emmagrace in my life again. Like how she used to be in it anyways, that wont happen though. my birthday is in two weeks. Maybe i should get my learners permit...
03/08/21 I had an alright weekend. I made two tshirts with my new name, Klunni. Not my new legal name of course, but i deleted all my socials including soundcloud, but i made a new one and its also called klunni. I think Emmagrace is ignoring me, but i cant be too sure. I feel sick, like im about to throw up. Well, elrodg is no longer. It was good while it lasted, but i hate Elliot Rodger so i dunno why i even called my soundcloud elrodg.
03/26/21 I'm finally done with Emmagrace. she was ignoring me for the past few weeks or so, so i just unadded her on snapchat, im never going to talk to her again, for real this time. i know how that sounds, i know it sounds like i'll break again, but i promise to God i won't. the last couple of days have been pretty good since i stopped talking to her, i feel like a big weight just came off my chest.
04/19/21 So Emmagrace messaged me on like, the 30th of March, just acting like nothing ever happened and wanting to message me again because she was bored. I sent a paragraph of text really just telling her how i feel and that i just think shes mean and manipulative. It felt good to get that out, and i really hope we never interact again. I dont dislike her, i dont hate her, but im just done with her. I also think im done with this blog, it's been nice logging all this stuff, but i feel like the whole log inadvertantly became about Emmagrace. Now that I'm done with her completely, at least i hope, i think i should stop uploading in here because it just makes me think about her. Who knows, maybe ill come crawling back to her within a few weeks, but i think thats unlikely. I should just delete this blog, but I really dont like the concept of lost media so i just wont get rid of the blog out of that irrational principle. So if anyone wants my take on life and relationships, make sure you really know the person and they know you before you decide you like them. I think im going to go for a walk.